I know...

almost nothing, actually.

I know I can't go back.

"I know that starting over is not what life's all about.

But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth" -Modest Mouse, "The World at Large"

-

I didn't always know my father, you know. I got to know him quite recently, actually. But I do now and I love him completely, and even though I'm not a child... I am so afraid of disappointing him. Maybe I feel like he'll leave me again. I have come a long way in the past couple years, but sometimes I feel like I forced myself to mature too quickly to overcompensate for my failures and poor decisions in the past- mostly because I want dad to be proud of me and believe in me. I project this image that I'm so together, but the more I act like an adult the more my pieces start to scramble. I'm not done being crazy, and I feel it bottling and bubbling and soon I will explode.

But, even if I wanted to, I can't go back to the places and situations I was before... not in the same way. I can't go back to when I was 19 and a crazy, high little punk chick. I can't go back and spend another year that way, making good stories and bad decisions. Maybe I would have seen more places. Maybe I would've gotten my beautifully tattooed back piece. Maybe I would have hitchhiked on a train like Allison did, or lived in a teepee in a dessert like Heather did. Maybe I would have taken a bus to Mexico with Kelly and a backpack filled with everything I own and been part of a socialist rebellion. Maybe I wouldn't be living in this flat, dull state that I love. I have ties now that bind me to this life and this place. My life has changed with the decisions I make, and that incapacitates regression.

Honestly, without Travis and my dad... I do not know where I'd be right now. But sometimes I'm wistful...